Illustration from Emma Leonard
I’ve commented on Beaunz before that I’m one of those people who loses her appetite completely when I’m stressed or emotional, and unfortunately that’s been true for the last couple of months. For various personal and professional reasons I’ve been under the pump, and it’s not been unusual for me to get to dinner and feel dreadful then realise I haven’t had more than tea and coffee all day.
The result is that I’m looking and feeling decidedly scrawny, all my lovely girly clothes look like they’re being worn by an adolescent boy, and my jeans have that unsightly saggy bit in the middle at the back, where my bum should be. Nice…not.
Anyway, the reason I decided to write about it on Beaunz is because I was trying on clothes in a shop recently and the assistant commented that she wished she had my ‘figure’. What figure?! How can it be that this woman wants to look like me? Especially when I’m feeling so unfeminine and self-conscious about it. Give me boobs over peanuts any day!
But then, I’m also reminded of when I had to put on 5 kilos before being allowed to start fertility treatment, and feeling enormous and equally unlike myself during that time.
It’s just got me thinking about weight, and body image, and how inextricably linked they are to our self-esteem. I know it’s a bit heavier than my usual posts (pardon the pun) but I would love to know your thoughts and experiences. Are you happy with your body right now? Would you like to be curvier or thinner? And when was the last time you felt truly happy with your body?
x
17 comments:
Hi Erica! I'm carrying an extra size at the moment and really, really don't like it. I'm doing Dry July as I think giving up alcohol for a month will help me lose weight (among other reasons). But I do want to share with you and your readers, that at 44 I look back at my younger self and think "you never, ever realised how beautiful you were." By that I mean beauty in an 'imperfect' but youthful and healthy way. I went from obsessing about my small bust in my early teens, to obsessing about my 'big' thighs - these days it's new pockets of fat that only 40+ know about (back fat, anyone?!) I really wish I'd been a little more appreciative of what I had (bear in mind that the perception of beauty was far less diverse in the '80s and '90s). Am sharing this in the hope one of your readers will stop for a second and appreciate her youth, vitality and sublime imperfection xx
Thanks Julie, I agree that in your teens and twenties you have no idea how great your body is! And by the way, back fat is definitely NOT limited to your forties... xx
I alway am frustrated that I can have a tiny bust, not enough bum to keep up my jeans and a huge spare tyre around my middle to hang over the top of my jeans! Where is the proportion!! I can't believe when i had my best body at 19ish grunge was in fashion and it was hidden under huge t-shirts!! To reduced my post baby belly I went to my first PT session last night. I predict I won't be able to move tomorrow xxx
I agree totally with what Julz said. At closer to 50 than I am to 20 I realize I looked quite fabulous in my 1.72m, 60kg body in my 20s but had absolutely no idea how great I looked. Now nearly 30 years and 3 children (and that charmed - back fat to contend with) later. Recently I realized my two close friends who looked fabulously thin, both had life threatening conditions that made them up well, and thus very slim. How is it I can admire a 'sick' slim body more than a survey healthy one? Even all these years later it is a struggle to see myself as healthy and whole. Thanks for talking about it hough - it is a subject worthy of debate.
An interesting debate and as a male I want to introduce a male perspective....however not about the female form as this is really about your own self esteem and body image.
I never appreciated how self conscious I am about my body until recently when I went to my first Bikrim Yoga session and wore a tshirt and long shorts- for anyone that has been you'll know that is the equivalent of wearing a ski jacket on the Great Barrier Reef. Lets just say the others were wearing minimal clothing and although they all had enviable physiques it was just as much out of necessity due to the heat. So subsequently I have been forced to de-robe and it is liberating - you quickly become distracted as you grind through a session. Yes self conscious at times but mostly in my own world of hurt.
I have never been happy with my body image and envied others not just for their body shape but also with their ability to maintain a body shape....as I have been been able to motivated a sustained effort to do something about it!
I could go on about comments, greetings and social events that concern this little black duck as I tend to over-read details in situations.....
Hi Erica,
Don't seem to be able to upload my comments in the blog without it crashing over and over again...
I so agree with all the comments!
You know me,bit like you,I love being slim,to some people perhaps skinny or even too skinny...Yet I never seem to be happy with how I look...
I am only 30 and after two kids I guess I still look good,yet I already look at pre children photos and wish I had had known back than how good I looked and how lucky I was/am to have a body shape I have...
But now,still carrying 6 kgs more after birth,I feel big&heavy with a big sift belly&would hate it to be summer right now...
Others might look at me jealous but I am never sattisfied...
I also got to a super skinny stage after Leila was born and though I like being skinny,I was at the point of feeling bony and that is never a good look either...Though I only weighed the same as before birth,your body changes and fat moves from good parts to bad ones and you will never look the same as before...
It is awfull obsessing about body shapes and weight and wasting so much energy being unhappy,but somehow we all do...
Hope the stressfull time gets to end soon for you and you start feeling happy and good about yourself once again. Love you.xx
Thanks everyone for the great comments! It's amazing what people start to share when you open up. Keep them coming :) xx
Hi Erica, I too consider myself to be "scrawny" at the best of times and my bust of lack of, is on the "worst feature" list. That said, I have breastfed both my boys for quite some time and have never had a lot of bust to work with in the first place! Not being the tallest of folk, I always feel heavy when I reach 54-55 kgs and after our recent holiday, I jumped on the scales yesterday and i'm now weighing in at 54 which I can feel and don't like. Thighs feel too "shapely", waist feels to thick, my friends laugh and say yeah right but I feel happier when I am lighter and I went on a carb and alcohol binge while in Fiji! I guess I am never truly happy with my body and as I get nearer to 30 I am becoming more self conscious about certain areas that I most certainly think twice about a few years back. Maybe it's got something to do with the scales in our bathroom too!? Need to get rid of them! Jen x
Hi Erica,
I feel like i have always been overweight. During one period from 17 to 18 especially with lack of exercise and motivation plus a bad diet. Until i sorted my diet out within a year and became more active. I looked back at my school portraits and didn't recognise myself and didn't realise how big i was.
I lost around 8 kilos and now feel a lot healthier although i don't have the figure i really want (can't get rid of my bump of a stomach.) Although i know for the rest of the year that is what i am devoting myself to as a hobby. But i am greatful to have womanly curves, although if i ever wanted to get into any sort of modeling industry i would have to atleast have a 66" waist.
Thank you for sharing the otherside of the story.
Hi Erica,
I have suffered from body image issues for a long time. Since the age of 14 my weight has yoyo'd and i have never felt truly comfortable with my body.
At 14 i started to starve myself in order to make myself feel better. I never really understood what i was doing. I stopped at 16till i left home, then i became self-concious and didn't feel right. So started to starve myself again inorder to fit to the body image projected by media and society. I cut out fizzy drinks and meat only eating salad once a day and drinking litre's of water. I exercised constantly but in my mind i couldn't see what i was doing.
Although i haven't been as bad this year, i still try to eat small portions, walk everywere, drink water and exercise. But i still feel guilty when i do eat and if i don't exercise.
Over the last two weeks, ive been on a decline not eating except for a cup of soup occasionally and having no appetite. I still hardly ever feel hungry but i can't seem to find a balance, having curves in the right places and eating healthy.
Sometimes i feel like its an excuse, like im just lazy. All i really want is to have the figure of Scarlett Johansson.
Hi beautiful cousin!
I know exactly what you mean (probably to do with being related!). Whenever I am stressed or I am working a lot I lose weight really quickly, simply because I forget to eat.
When I moved overseas and chilled out my work life a LOT (plus drank lots of beers and ate lots of chippies!) I finally put on a bit after a year of being very scrawny. I had friends comment on how good I looked but I still felt 'fat', even though I was a size 10 (I'm 5'7").
When I stopped drinking I dropped quite a bit of weight also, but it was very slowly over about 18 months so people have only really been noticing recently. Adding to this, due to having a boyfriend after a long time being single, I am feeling more comfortable wearing tighter clothes, so I suppose I look a LOT skinnier.
People comment about it a LOT, and it makes me really uncomfortable -- things like "Where do you put all that food?" or "You must be on a diet, what do you eat?"
There is so much focus on people's bodies and I think there is a lot of pressure to be thin, but it also means that if you are anywhere outside of 'normal', be it smaller or larger, you are instantly objectified. People have grabbed my thighs, measured around my wrists with their fingers and around my waist with their hands, without asking. It's gross.
Great post, and all the comments are really lovely too.
Rebecca
xx
I am currently pregnant and big, blooming and happy. Even when I am not pregnant I am a curvy size 12/14. I have to say I am really happy in myself and I don't feel the need to diet etc to be smaller. U eat healthy and exersise. You only have one life and one body so be happy and healthy in who you are!! X faye x
I'm so touched by all the comments and how honest everyone is being. I just want to give you all a cuddle! xx
WTF who are you people?! Get a grip and get some real problems
Weight has always been a constant issue and the fact that men and women are scrutinised in the media daily doesn't help one bit. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is truly happy with their weight. There's so much more pressure now to be slim and if you're not, you are seen are being lazy or of letting yourself go. We're fed the image ( by fashion houses and mags) that slim is best ( we have to be slim otherwise we'd never fit into these high fashion creations!) whereas back in the days of Marilyn Monroe etc having a curvy figure, with sizeable assets was the way forward! Maybe fashion will pave the way again and we will look again for inspiration to the fuller figured lady? Who knows, but we should embrace what we have, live for the moment and pray to god that everything doesn't go down south too soon!
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for reading the post and commenting. I think it is clear by the number of people who have been brave enough to talk about it, carrying around a negative body image IS a real problem. I'm sure everyone that choose to write something is also fighting other, more 'urgent' battles, but negative self-esteem can't and shouldn't be cast aside so flippantly.
Just want to say to anonymous (who wants Scarlett J's figure) - please think about seeing your GP. Disordered eating behaviour can be a syptom of depression, which is easily and effectively treatable these days. It may be relatively simple for you to feel much better. Very sincere wishes xx
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